What Do Men Hush-talk About Women
I have such large earlobes which help me eavesdrop even when I didn’t really make a try. That is how I get to listen-in on a lot of conversations whenever young Nigerians and other more matured and older Nigerian men are gathered. Now you will not have to tell me this little bad thing called eavesdropping I’m neck-deep in is a bad thing. Hahaha! Now, let me gist you what I overheard the other day while I was following two guys during my solitary evening walk:
“Guy who is that girl I saw you with that time?” The first guy probably in his late twenties started.
“Na dat girl wey I dey yarn you.” Replied the other.
“Which one be that? No dey look me that kain eye, you know say you nah area father for all these our hood girls.”
“It’s that girl wey I burst into for the Fast Food joint wey I carry Nancy go last Sunday. The one wey I yarn you say come dey give me the lights while she was with her boyfriend.”
“Oh! Na wao! Guy you too much! So the bobo wey she dey with that day no be her guy?”
“She come tell me say na her friend. Just friends.”
“Hiann! Girls and their fast ways! I don tire for them. If na she see you with another girl, she go faint, but now she come dey yarn say na ordinary friend. You don hit her button?”
“You no trust your guy. Na that one we just finish with our Round 2 that time wey you torchlight us for the bus stop. Omo, the girl sweet die!”
“You no mean am? Chai! I go wan check her out. You go gree for me brother?”
“Wait nah! Which one be check her out when I never check her out finish?”
“Why you come dey tell me when you no go gree my own? Abi I no allow you do my girl last month? Mtchewww!”
“Guy no vex for you mannest nah! E be like say this one serious gan.”
“Hmm! Omo, carry that one go give Boko Haram! If this your small girl don dey turn your head, make you carry dey go. Me, I go do you your own strong thing. You know me nah, so make you know think am.”
“Okay nah! Na this small thing go cause quarrel for me and you? Omo chill, me and you na five and six nah!”
“Guy you be my man reach tomorrow, make we go arrange as I go take chop my own dividend of eye wey see nah. You know nah?”
“Anything man. Anything for you.”
“One love my man! One love!
That was when I cleared my throat loudly and they froze in their tracks and turned to appraise me to see if I had overheard their lewd conversation. I had been stealthily coming behind them and eavesdropping hard. Their shock was most obvious. Me? I dead-panned joh. Which one be my own? I quickly walked pass them as I continued on my solitary evening walk. Then I realized I was becoming hungry. My ultra-workaholic brain then suggested I pay a visit to our Hood’s Fast Food joint and see to the hunger pangs assuaged. Hmmm! My legs continued to walk faster. It seemed like every known guy in my Hood was into something as I walked into the joint and did a quick scanning so as to figure out where to head once my order got ready. Hmmm! All the bad guys had come with girlfriends different from the ones I had seen them the previous week. I walked quickly to the counter to avoid anybody figuring out what I was up to. When my order was given to me and I paid my bill, I went to a table and sat down on the empty seat with another male loner. That was when my itching big earlobes got a signal that something was going down behind me between a guy and his girl. I grinned and tuned into the flow between them.
“Oliver, you mean to tell me the girl I saw you with at that Show wasn’t your squeeze?”
“To God, sweets! I went to that Show with my sister.”
“Hmmm! I saw you guys making out and you say she’s your sister. I hope you guys are not into something incestuous?”
“God forbid it! My sister is the touchy-touchy type. Her boyfriend of many years broke her heart and I only took her along to cheer her up and she started acting funny when she sighted her ex’s friend who I don’t know so that the guy would go back to her ex and tell him my sis is already going out with another guy. You know? To get him jealous. You know how you girls do nah! Chill sweets, you are my only one!”
“Okay baby boy, I believe you. You are so sweet doing that for your sister.”
The slur of kisses filled my ears and made me hurry through my food and soft drink.
Guys una too mush jorrr!